About this site

Tumbang Preso (meaning, knock down the jail) is a game of arrests and escapes where each player's life
chances depends on the toppling of a tin can watched by a tag who plays guard.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Old friends old sores

Old and new, new and old, intones one poet, in a poem about gifts of love and friendship. Which brings to mind a gay critic-friend’s more cynical take of it: “My lovers are disposable, though reusable and recyclable, but my friends are not.”

Thankfully, my own swivel door hasn’t been that busy gorging and disgorging people, and this year had been astonishingly good for me. Made more enemies out of old ones, found some new ones, mostly incorporeal, like minds I met over at FB. Then the old friends lost suddenly materialized: Sheilfa! It’s been ages! You still remember me??? Some bringing good news, others their old sores; some as old suitors wearing new suits; most went worse, dumbed down by the years of car shopping. A few got sharper, and colder.





We somehow crossed path again, strangely, amazingly, and we’re still making it up. Talisa forgives: the lover, the fat around her belly, the oncoming winter; calls it ladder of years. Lia checks in, bearing all her 56 years, a gift of an herb garden growing out of the slime you both once stood in. Mimi looks on; today is her 44th birthday and she snaps, eyes bloodshot, wielding a knife her old self with those old words, always wary wary of me, I may fall, I may self-destruct again, love should be easy, not hard.

I wave back. I’m in Jolo, she is not, among the ruins of unfought wars picking up what I must. This is my foreign country, my exile, my found place. I love. And won't be lost again.

Growing up







Growing up in Doruelo country is a bad preparation for a study in Marawi, though I recall no such apprehensions when I was first presented the opportunity. It was April or May of 1980 and I was on my first job right after high school as a salesgirl at a tiny bazaar in the Supermarket area in Cotabato City, selling fake Levi pants and RTWs, and here came my sister Sheila with a thick wad of paper postmarked Mindanao State University, Marawi City. I was sixteen and my world was my Grandmother’s house in the barrio and the rice fields in another barrio where I would sometimes go with my mother and an aunt, to weed a neighbor’s farm or join a harvest team. Marawi, then as now, did not sound like big beautiful city, but for a confined, provincial girl, it boded well, like a promise of a new horizon. I recall my Lola’s tears, my elders’ fears: Kamusliman, they kept on saying, which meant Moros-infested, a country of traitors: it was no safe place for me. My mother was standing by the window, not saying anything to discourage me, while my cousins surrounded me, proffering all kinds of warnings and good advice; if she had her way, I knew she would send me to the best school: all her life all she wanted was an education for herself, which Grandmother denied her, she said, and so she got stuck with the six of us and a husband who was a philanderer until he was gunned down, yes, by a Muslim he made a score with, and yes, on his way to see his woman, while walking along Magallanes Street down across Dawn's Hotel.

The wad of papers said partial scholarship, and stipulated free tuition, free lodgings in the college dormitory, book allowance and a monthly stipend of two hundred compared to the full scholar’s three hundred which, considering the impecunious poverty we were used to, was generous enough. I could hear my mother’s heartbeat going for it: Get it! Get out of here! Get away!
 
It was an eight-hour boat ride aboard M/L Farida from the docks of Cotabato to the docks of Pagadian, and another seven hours across a rough road between Pagadian and Iligan. I was with three or four other kababayans, Engineering students in the higher year of the school I was going to. I remember them distinctly well, mainly because they were provincial like me, they all came from Libungan, a sleepy town next to ours slinking along rice paddies, Rolly, Elma, Rita, Virgie.  I don’t know what became of them now, except for Elma who was to be shot on the same or maybe another Pagadian-bound boat we had no choice but board, M/L Aida, by a boyfriend from the Army, many years later, for breaking it up with him.  Rolly was a friend, helpful during that first trip I made, telling me about the sights I would see, the things I would find, like it was a good beautiful place I was going to with them. Virgie sat by, and would tell me later that Rolly got a little crush on me. Rolly never had the courage to proposition me, probably thought I would marry into wealth and prosperity and wouldn’t do to suffer him or anyone else; it was Virgie who would proposition me, later, way way down the years, after one marriage and one miscarriage and a couple of live-in arrangements with girls she got to know abroad, in the Middle East and Malaysia before jail and deportment. In the dorm on campus she used to play bodyguard to me, shooing away the Maranao tomboys who couldnt wait to shag me.  

Sunday, April 29, 2012

At dumalaw pa kayo


Imagine entering a Muslim household in the month of the Ramadhan and before you could make a customary greeting the host greets you with Putangina! As in Putangina, kung hindi pa kayo dumalaw dito hindi ko pa mapapaayos ang CR ko!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Sunday, April 15, 2012

hitting ground head first




We all need a jumpstart in life and if I had a springboard, from where I made a first plunge, head first, before I got to other depths, MSU Marawi would be it.

June 1980, Princess Lawanen Hall. At the receiving hall while waiting for the dorm manager to have myself registered, I was introduced to a bubbly senior girl who was there for a visit and how she talked non-stop about MSU’s glory days. I got to asking about student activism on campus, because a teacher back in Notre Dame high school, who used to catch me at the school lib reading Wakasan Komiks hidden under cover of a newspaper, and who took my defense for insubordination when I talked back to my adviser his wife, had me properly forewarned: Maraming aktibista doon. Baka hindi ka na mag-aral doon, ha. And this senior girl she yapped on about MSU’s activist days until she got to the plane hijackers whom she knew by their first names.

They were their kuyas, she said, they used to serenade her, and yes, those were the days when scholars were truly brilliant, truly good, and these kuyas of hers, oh they just wanted to get to communist China, who was then enforcing a closed-door policy to protect its economy, and so in March of 1971, the six of them took this flight and announced a hijack, two at the pilot’s cabin ordering at gunpoint the captain to land in Canton, while the others did some singing and guitar playing to allay the fears of the shocked passengers. The plane did land in Canton, southern China, of course, and the Chinese authorities let the students stay in the country, and let the plane fly back to the Philippines, and no one got hurt, except perhaps the Marcos government.

That was the first time I heard of that hijack story because in the 70s you really did not know a lot about high-noon leftist adventurism, all your cousins ever cared about was Elvis Presley and the Beatles and that was enough to glue you to their sides. You only realized something was wrong when people started whispering about curfew and Martial Law and your neighbors the policemen came with the Army and made your Grandfather surrender the Carbine and the paltik pistol he took time and trouble to wrap in plastics and bury six feet under because these Marcos guys standing in his backyard were said to have this metal detector and knew there was a gun in the vicinity. So as you listened to this Ate praising her long-gone aktibis kuyas, you remember distinctly that day the Army disarmed your Lolo and somehow you wanted to get hold of something lethal which was nowhere to find as yet on campus. Nine years later, when you would be volunteering for a human rights work seeking the ouster of Marcos, you would tell your senior office manager and political mentor who also happened to be your one-time Political Science teacher on campus about this hijack and because she was from UP, she just dismissed it as one of those tricks the Young Turks pulled up in their time, like in UP, she said, they had these so-called Dilliman Commune. She was oh so austere for those not-so-austere times.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Sunday, April 8, 2012

But I wasn't really your good student






I must have been stuck in academic ground, but not so stuck. I recall I spent more time reading Sheldon and Robbins, maybe Wallace and Ludlum, than solving my Algebra problems. Then after a visit at the padian, the public market in downtown Marawi, I somehow got into the habit of going there, especially after I made friends with student activists. I must have been slumming, but walking through the dirt road, skipping the mudpoles, crawling through holes in the wall, wading along the lakeside, made me feel I was living the best times of my life. I was also beginning to shed off my squeamishness, my biases, and frequented the food stalls down the stairways and when I had a little money, hunted for tiny bric-a-bracs at the antique stores. Once, as a way of welcoming my older sister to Marawi, because she decided to follow me and take up Midwifery, I took her there and we got lost. Two Maranao boys must have noticed, because my sister could not hide her panic, and they took fancy on frightening us some more. They kept on following us wherever we made a turn and did not let go of us until I stopped at a stall selling bolos and chose a long and big one and paid for it, too, and when I turned my head, of course, the two crazy Maranao boys were gone.

There was a part I missed though, which Mimi and her activist boyfriends like telling and retelling. I should have tried watching a movie inside one of those dilapidated moviehouses in Marawi, they said, and have the experience of my life. In the eighties they usually showed Sharon Cuneta or Robin Padilla movies, and Mimi and her friends happened to adore these two stars whose movies they could not wait to watch at Iligan when they did not always have the money or the time. Farmers selling their products at the market would usually come to Marawi in the morning and by noon they would have completed their business and had done some shopping too, so after lunch when there was a movie they liked to watch, they would kill time inside, while waiting for the passenger outrigger boats that usually left the wharf at three or four in the afternoon. You sat with your shoes on your seat, lest you sat on someone’s phlegm, Mimi's friends would say, sniggering, and Mimi would protest.

“No, they spit on the floor naman, you’re so anti-Maranao for a Maranao. It’s the seat bugs you have to watch for, Shei, not their spittles," she would deadpan, “or you’ll go home scratching your genitals.”

“No. The guy next to you might mistake you for a spittoon, Shei. It’s dark inside you had better watch, bring an umbrella if you must.”

No kidding, the experience was a big miss. Old men would have their heads under your seat, chasing after the coins or the tomatoes that had rolled down the floor. The hen or the roster they had bought or traded for their goods would be cackling or crowing midway through Sharon’s monologue; or the boy vending corn and peanuts would be pushing his cart up and down the aisle screaming, Ay mais! Ay lugasing!

Mimi was some kind of a lodestone, and if I had this strong sense of class allegiance, long before I started to read Marx and Engels or any of these local guys, I owe it to the times we shared together, when to be poor and in the right felt good. I was more of a loner, really, and didn’t care about other people’s poverty. On campus, there were guys I sat in class with, who you knew should have better stayed in their lairs than try school as rebel returnees. They really did not stay long: mid-way through the first semester they would disappear without excuses and I didn’t care. I was really too phobic to even try to get to know them, so they were really lost to me since Day One. But Mimi, who spent high school at the Trade School in Marawi had lots to say about them. Some of these former MNLF rebels, she would tell me, were her classmates, and one reason why she is so anti-pyudal, was because at the height of the secessionist movement when the Maranao elite joined the rebellion to be in command, these boy classmates of hers, who were now too overaged to be in high school, served as the commanders’ slave-boys and nannies, bearing the latter’s rifles for them, their bedpans, their thermoses, their mosquito nets.

Mimi would become a permanent influence in my life. Around that time that I frequented their house at Barrio Santos, her brother’s wife was also in the house, doing the laundry and awaiting the birth of another son. The brother himself was sweeping the yard of the mosque in Quiapo, doing his bit as community organizer. We still don’t know the end of Mimi’s brother’s long story, but the short of it is he took girls home and that he beat them all until they each left him, dragging along the kids he sired. Mimi’s mother is a Tausug whose family moved to Marawi sometime after the war in the seventies. The father was a Tagalog assigned in Marawi as a forester, who left her mother when she was pregnant with Mimi, a conference in Manila for an excuse. The way I remember the house in Barrio Santos, it had plenty of light and laughter. Beside Mimi and her mother, an aunt lived there, and there was a standing joke among these three women about the man that never came back since twenty-five years ago (that was Mimi’s age when I went a lot there). He must have never finished conferencing, they said, because he has never sent in another word since he last took leave. When Mimi finished Med school and was working as an intern in Zamboanga many years later, this same father came back an old man with a story about a wife that died of cancer in America. Mimi did not make any complaint; just shook his hand and smiled. And looked on while Mother and Brother jammed it up with the returning stranger. She however could not take to calling the old man Dad, like he wanted, and kept on saying Sir, which hurt, he said. He courted and married her mother again, in proper Tausug custom, but when the son Mimi’s brother sold the car he bought him, the old man went back to America, to process his wife’s papers for an excuse, and when he did not succeed the first try, he stopped trying altogether until he was not to be heard from again.