Totoo bang type mo si Vaness?

“Totoo ba na may gusto ka kay Vaness?”

The question was posed rather obliquely.

I felt like giggling. Long had I been waiting for my day in court, for obscenity, didn't I wish. Pero ang nasabi ko lang,

"Uy, okay yun ah, gusto ko yun, hindi ageist. Kanino galing ang balita?"

“Si Khumz at si Mherz, narinig ko, nag-uusap. May gusto ka raw kay Vaness. Totoo ba? Uy, nag-iisip siya o. Sige, isipin mo. Totoo ba.”

Talagang nag-iisip ako.

Ang iniisip ko, sino lately ang katext o katsismis mo, na nagbabasa ng self-incriminating blogs ko, na nagwiwish, na sana, sana nga, may masilip sila na dahilan para bitayin ako?

Ang iniisip ko, so naniniwala na kayo na wala nga akong talent fee sa pesteng HR doc na iyan at ngayon ay naghahanap kayo ng ibang dahilan para lalong mapasama ang dati ko nang masasamang mga gawa?

At ang iniisip ko, what's Mherz's staging, OMG, didn't he tell you what he really knew, and what are you trying to get at, sure ka, wala kang pinagpalitpalit na datos? Pangalan, edad, tauhan?

“Totoo.”

Di ko na maalala kung ano ang reaksiyon sa sagot ko. Nag-iisip pa kasi ako pagkasabi ko nun, at hindi pa ako tapos mag-isip pagkatapos na nasabi ko na yun.

Nasabi ko nga yata, kay Vaness, na sa lahat ng loko sa Tumba Lata-Jolo, parang siya lang ang totoo. Yung iba parang sobrang kapal ng kara, di ko masino, kung nagsasabi ng totoo o talagang nanggagago. At nasabi ko rin yata kay Allais na sa lahat ng barkada niya, si Vaness ang love ko, kasi sweet.

Does that make me incestuously attracted to Vaness?

Nitong mga huling araw linggo buwan kasi, ang tindi ng tagisan ng talino ng mga tao. Surprised nga ako, nakalabas ako ng Jolo nang meron pang ulo at bitbit pa ang netbuk ko. O baka akala ko lang yun. Baka wala na nga akong ulo. Dead man walking.

Si Vaness ay disinuebe, at ang tsismis ni Berkis, na dinideny ni Jo, like most of us daw, may past history of abuse.

“Hindi raw totoo.”

“Siyempre hindi yun magsasabi. Itanong mo kay Mherz.”

If true, that should not make her fair game sa ano mang kuwento o hakahaka ng mga kasama niya sa kalsada, kahit pa man sa Jolo, ang mga babae at mga lesbians, sabi nga ni Mherz at ng mga dakilang anak ni Allah, ang sasama, nakakahiya ang mga ginagawa.

But to go back to me at sa tanong na type ko ba talaga si Vaness,

Kahit pa yata sexually active si Vaness, that does not make her a sexual adult. Di ko alam ano ang basehan ko ba’t ganyan ang tingin ko kay Vaness, sabi ni Rosca the body does it because it is ripe for it, but I have this notion na somehow she did not grow mentally, intellectually, and therefore sexually, like whatever truth the world taught her when she was five, is still what she keeps in her mind at adulthood. A moral retardate? Ang tindi nun ah, like you got stuck in the Garden? Parang yung child vampire sa Interview with the Vampire. Violated at six? Her body got stuck at six.

But of course, that’s my fantasy of Vaness.

As I said, it is unfair to Vaness. Kahit pa man the intent was just to put a wedge between me and the young lesbians, so that I will stop seeing them altogether.

What I feel is, That I should figure in this. Kind of ridiculous na perversely salacious rin.

Of course, I flirt with girls five years old. The storeowner’s daughter, for instance, that goes to private school and speaks to me in English, only, I know that it is all a mind game. Children are great at that: fantasies. And unschooled girls four five years old make great conversations, something I never would say of lawyers and NGO women forty years old and up that I happen to know.

So to go back to Jo’s eyebrow raiser question, Totoo ba, na may gusto ka kay Vaness? Lord, I’m stumped. I fuck the devil, not semi-literate girls. The latter is obscene. When I feel particularly evil, I go for this cad of a dyke or that fuck of a trans, and you can send me back to hell thereafter. Taking up minors who don’t have the bones to bear it is simply not my cup of tea, sorry. Maybe when I’m sixty?

Next time, wish I stole funds instead.