Mama Doesn't Know

photo: j.cuevas





Mama didn’t know! She thought I was asleep! I was closing my eyes like this and she took me for asleep! And then she left!

To work! She was going to work! There in the city. In the big city! When she makes money she will come back. And then she will take me with her. We will ride a boat. And I will see big buildings. Tall buildings! Taller than trees!

No! Mamma will come back. She will come back! We will go to the plaza and we will fly kites! You know? Mamma’s kite snapped! It went like this… Tog! And then it dove. Weeeeeng. Hi-hi! My kite didn’t fall! It fought the wind! Mama didn’t keep away from the wires. Poor Mama. So her kite got caught!

You know? When she comes back? We will go to the beach! We will swim! She will teach me to swim! Mama taught me to swim! She bought me a floater! Come! I’ll show you. Here! Floater! She bought it from the big city for me! So that I won’t sink! But I couldn’t swim! I kept on falling into the sea. When Mama comes back, she will teach me to swim.

No! She will come back! She said she will come back when she has money, and I will go with her. To the city! No! Lola Tiaga will let me! No! She won’t get sick! She won’t die! She won’t cry! Noooo!

I don’t like it here. Kitkit always hurts me. Auntie Bel always screams. Mama doesn’t scream. You know? Auntie Bel has a new baby. There in their house. It’s so small! It has very small hands! I watch it everyday so mosquitoes won’t bite it. I cradle it! Like this! It doesn’t like being cradled. It keeps on slipping to the floor. It cries. Auntie Bel smacks me. She gets mad and then she slaps me.

Next Christmas, Mama will come back. Next Christmas! She will buy me a pair of shoes. No! Mama will come back! No! She won’t marry! She won’t! It’s bad! Baaad! Noooo!

You know? Uncle John has a new wife. And you know who his new wife is? It’s not Auntie Bel! He brought her here when Auntie Bel and Kitkit were at Lola Saling. Lola Tiaga cried. She sent them away. Uncle John’s new wife cried.

You know? Auntie Bel and Uncle John fought. Uncle John hit Auntie Bel. Here. In the belly. Kitkit cried. He fought Uncle John. He bit his shirt. Like this. Uncle John pushed him. He fell against the wall. When Kitkit grows up? He will kill Uncle John. Kitkit’s nose bled. His head hurt. I don’t like Uncle John. He hits Kitkit all the time.

Auntie Bel took a knife. She stabbed Uncle John. He ran away. He jumped down the ladder and ran away. Lola Tiaga was angry. She threw Uncle John’s clothes out of the window.

You know? Auntie Bel’s legs bled. Here! We took her to the hospital. Lola Tiaga said she would have died. Then she will kill Uncle John.

Mama will send me to school. She will have plenty of money and then she will send me to school. You know? Auntie Bel mortgaged our farm. Lola Tiaga told me. She got sick. She got mad with Auntie Bel and now she wouldn’t talk. Now Auntie Bel always screams. She screams at me and screams at Kitkit. Now, Kitkit would not talk to me.

I will go to Mama. Mama doesn’t shout. You know? Mama kissed me before she went away. I was closing my eyes like this and she fixed my blanket and then she kissed me. And then she left! She closed our door and went down the road. She thought I did not know. She thought I was asleep! But I was awake! I was awake all the time and I was watching her! I saw her lift her heavy bag and I saw her leave! But Mama didn’t know! She doesn’t know!

To the playroom

art work by liloy




Karla brushed away the tear that had escaped from her eye. She looked up and saw Papa looking at her. “Don’t cry, Baby,” he said. He held out his hand to her but she shook her head so firmly that he drew back and leaned on the sofa. He motioned for her to sit by his side. She adjusted the cumbersome contraption under her arm and complied.

Papa spoke low and called her Baby. Come here, Baby. Don’t cry, Baby. He picked up Panda who had fallen onto the floor with her ass up and sat her on the opposite corner of the sofa. Karla sat between Panda and Papa. Now, don’t you three look like a family? Mama used to say. Panda came with Papa the day he gave Mama the keys to his car. “It’s not a bear, Stupid,” Mama had said to Papa. Karla inched away from the toy. She felt strangled with Papa on one side, his big stubby fingers running from her hair to her nape now and again, and Panda dull and shapeless with its gray rough skin on one side. An idiot’s toy, Mama called it, but Papa would not hear. Mama never liked Panda. First thing she’d do before sitting down with Karla is to lift Panda by the ear and dump it behind the couch. Mama did not like so many things in the house. She kicked them if they got in her way.

Papa brought Panda home the day he bought himself a new car. “A new car for Papa and a new teddy bear for Baby. And so that Mama can drive herself to Hell if she likes!” Papa laughed when he said that. Mama did not, but caught the keys Papa threw at her.

Then went out as often as she could until she stopped coming home altogether. Papa had since taken to the sofa to watch dirty words flying, night after night.

“What is shit, Papa?”

“It’s a dirty word, don’t you say it.”

“Yaya says shit.”

“Don’t take after the househelp!”

“What is fuck you, Papa?”

“Hey, Baby! Don’t you use that dirty word.”

“I know damn.”

“Don’t use it!”

“Mama used it.”

“Don’t you take after that bitch! Go to your bed now.”


Without Papa knowing, Karla liked to repeat Mama’s words under her breath. I’m so damn tired. Move over, Karl. Damn that cough. Mama called her Karl. She had a strong deep voice that rang across the room.

“Karl? Where are you?!?”

“Damn. What did you do all day, shut yourself in with your stupid dolls?” Mama liked to call everything stupid.

“Papa bought me a new one.”

“That’s all he knows.”

“Don’t shout at the child, Honey.”

“Don’t Honey me!”

“Don’t shout in front of the child.”

“I’m not shouting! You cooped her up all day? She will never grow a spine!”

She will never grow a spine Bam! Karla loved the sound of Mama banging the door. It sounded like Damn. She will never see the sun Dam. If she should leave and disappear, Karla told herself, she would bang the door loud like that. Papa wouldn’t tell where Mama went. Each time she asked him he always said, Go to your play room, Baby, okay?

“I’ll bring Panda with me.”

“You will not. Everything you take down there never goes whole out again.”


Karla pulled herself up, refused Papa’s proffered hand, and made her way to the playroom. Damn, she told herself as she moved toward the closed door. She reached for the knob, twisted it, pushed, hopped in, and slammed the door. Bam. She blinked at the unexpected force and smiled. From the inside she opened it again, then closed it again. Blam. She laughed at the powerful sound she made. She felt merry. “Stop playing with the door!” she heard Papa call after her. Karla kept on at it until she heard Papa’s footfalls coming. “Stop that you little bitch!”

She pushed the door shut once more and pressed the lock in the knob. She turned around and leaned her back against the frame. She could hear Papa’s heavy breathing from behind the door. “Stop making all that noise, Honey, okay?” Don’t Honey me! How Karla liked to shout at Papa. Mama always damned Papa. Damn this house damn this car damn this neighborhood. Mama did not come home. Mama is gone. Now there’s nobody to damn Papa. Karla let her crutch drop on the floor. She spread her arms at her sides, pressed the back of her head against the door, and closed her eyes. Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn.

She went on and on until she made enough. Then Karla opened her eyes, glanced around the room. Dropping to her knees, she dragged herself toward the heap of mangled dolls.