You should have hauled me to court. Nailed me behind bars. Now I will have to convict you.
Each one of you.

Some are born to sweet delight

The cut worm forgives the plow. (Proverbs in Hell, W. Blake)

The title of the post is a line from William Blake's poetry; Which Nadine Gordimer appropriated for her story about a girl who gets killed when a terrorist, a roomer in her mother's boarding house she fell in love with, uses her to bomb the plane she boards.

The story came to mind as I gad about inside my head, in between thankless transcription jobs, and in the midst of all the futile war of words I endlessly engage in with people, half-friends half-allies who I made the highest fortune to know. There's no regretting the world, and as I think it over, I recall Ramille quoting Kah Arlene about buti na yung ikaw ang malamangan kesa sa ikaw ang manlamang: better that people conned you than you conning them.

What I say is, it is not a question of whether you stole or did not steal, and not a question of getting caught or not caught, but rather, what do you steal. Robinhood is, of course, everybody's star robber, stealing cratefuls from the rich that the poor may eat. One of my favorites is Riva, Marge Piercy's information pirate: she steals data, including scientific formulas from the multis, that poorer countries may make their own medicines.

Another favorite is the bohemian Jean Genet, who is not fictional, and that's why he can only be a petty thief. What people miss is, the fag was actually stealing a life: he got free board and rent at the penitentiary and wrote the plays that earned him fame as a poet-criminal, which in the French revolutionary tradition is a glorious title.

The previous week, journalist friends were on a hype over what they perceive as big-time robbery. Mary Ann, they say, has been robbing you blind. Lord. As though I didn't know that. If I make up a list about crimes committed by NGO friends, I said to them, murder and theft ranks highest: they rob you first, and then they murder you. Or, they murder you first, and then they rob you. When you're dead, nobody believes you anymore, and so they embalm you for a little while, and resurrect you again if they need more of your remains.

How come, you say, I'm still here and not quite dead yet?

But I am already dead. See, I cannot even write a book. That requires a living writer to do that. I don't even have a byline. A blogline is not a byline. A byline is what you see on newspapers, legit. Genius is achievement, poet-mentor and underachiever Cesar Ruiz Aquino explained, quoting another mentor. Yes, Germelina, you are right. We mother rights awardees are just pathetic bloggers, ghost writing for our former dead writer selves that our employers may live.

The Royal We doesn't become me, aha? But false humility doesn't become me more.

You know the funny story about how some cadres escaped the purges?

Oca, said Luwi, was spared because the hukbo -- or the Political Officer -- who should be ordering his execution had a moment: he thought maybe Oca could write them another project proposal? After the purging the reconstruction, what will happen to the Reaffirm project if they ran out of fucking writers to take care of fucking funding agencies? I don't know if they were able to recycle Oca's life as a fund raiser, but I just know the feeling. So when I listen to Joni Mitchell singing how freely she slaved away for something better and how she got herself bought and sold, I feel a little better, like I can forgive myself and my retailers.

So what if fat catatonics and ugly old dykes stole my words and my aces? It wouldn't make them better catatonics and better dykes, only better thieves.

Credit? Byline?

Long had I signed a pact with the devil. I'll be damned if my friend Mephistopheles did not take care of them.

imams, lesbians, and rape

The imams they do not condemn us, they know lesbians exist. What they don't like is news of rape and some such.


(This is an excerpt from an interview. See also: http://tumbalatadavao.blogspot.com/2011/11/si-mherz-at-ang-usaping-sogi.html.)

....

Mherz: The imams, they do know something, and some they really have a low regard for lesbians. They say that it can't be helped, having lesbians around, because in the old times, in the period before The Prophet, there were already lesbians. They know that lesbians exist, they do not condemn us, what they don't like is when they hear about rape and some such, because last month there was a rape involving lesbians.

Sheilfa: Last month?

Mherz: In September.

Sheilfa: Where is that?

Mherz: At Tanjung. At Zone 3.

Sheilfa: Really?

Mherz: A student.

Sheilfa: Just this last month?

Mherz: Yes. That's why lesbians have such a bad reputation here.

Sheilfa: You know the rapist? What is she like, an addict?

Mherz: No, not an addict. It's like this. The girl's MU got into a fight with this lesbian.

Sheilfa: With the rapist.

Mherz: Yes. With the rapist. They had a fight at one time and the girl's boyfriend got a beating and took it hard. He did not hit back. Just took all the insults spat at him and kept them inside him. Then he said to the girl's boyfriend, one day you will be sorry for all this.

Sheilfa: Then she found an opportunity to get back.

Mherz: Yes. Through the girlfriend.

Sheilfa: Men do that all the time. They do that. That's why during war, say this camp and that camp, or this country and that country, instead of men killing each other, it's the women they turn on, so we have this mass rape each time there is a war. What this tomboy did, it's like that. Hurt the woman to hurt back another man.

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: Because if she fought one-on-one she would be beaten.

Mherz: Haha. He'd be beaten black and blue. He won't score a single point. Zero. So what he did, he took the girl, fetched her from school.

Sheilfa: She had her kidnapped?

Mherz: No. He told the girl the boyfriend wanted her.

Sheilfa: The girl had no idea that she will be...

Mherz: She didn't know about the fight.

Sheilfa: But the girl was not the object of the fight.

Mherz: No. There was another issue. But I don't know what.

Sheilfa: And then? After fetching her?

Mherz: The girl said, where are we going? Wait, I will just get my bag. Then she just noticed that they were already at Zone 3. She said, why are we here? Your boyfriend is here and wants you here because he's got some problems, he'd like to get some fresh air. She believed him. And when they got to this hut, it was a small hut, she asked, Where's.... she looked for her boyfriend. But he wasn't there, of course. Not here, he said to her, your boyfriend is not here.

Sheilfa: And then she raped her.

Mherz: Not right away. First, he beat her. He said to her, listen to what I have to say to you and get all of this to your boyfriend. I didn't ask anymore what he said to her, the patient had difficulty speaking, you see. She was rather traumatized. She was fifty-fifty when she was taken to the hospital.

Mherz: She is from the Port Area. Fourth year high school. They are our friends, the perpetrators. Including the girl, she is also a friend.

Sheilfa: Who told you about this?

Mherz: She herself. She told me while she was at the hospital. At the public hospital. We were there, I chanced upon her because a friend's sibling was also admitted on that day. She is the daughter of an imam. A bit older than me.

MM: Older than you?

Mherz: I mean the face. But I don't know if she really is older than me because…

Sheilfa: She's tall?

Mherz: Yes. She's got a nice body, aha?

Sheilfa: The tomboy that raped her, is she also big?

Mherz: No. Just about my size, but there were four of them.

MM: Tomboys?

Mherz: Yes.

MM: The ones who played basketball with us?

Mherz: Yes. Two of the tomboys are from Busbus, one is a student of Sulu State College, third year high school.

Sheilfa: What did they use, a motorcycle?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: There were gang rapes before, remember? And no one was really arrested or penalized, right? They got away with it. So these tomboys, they took after these crazy rapists.

Mherz: That's why.

Sheilfa: You don't know their names?

Mherz: I don't know the names.

Sheilfa: These are the same tomboys you see around during practice?

Mherz: Yes. And they're our friends too, but not very close.

Mherz: Took fancy on her.

Sheilfa: Turned on her. Boys do that. If they cannot square it off with another boy, they hurt the girlfriend or the sister. What do people here usually do in such cases, keep it secret, contain it? It shames the woman, the family?

Mherz: No. They also try to talk about it, because the father wanted to ask for help, because at the time when the daughter was at the hospital and he was home, the rapist's uncle visited him and warned him against... what's ipasaplag, M?

Sheilfa: Spread.

Mherz: Yes. To not expose it, not tell people. And especially, he said to him, don't ever think of filing a case because I can finish you anytime I like, even right at this moment. There was nothing he could do. They are poor.

Sheilfa: It's like a repetition of what happened before. It was like this in 2009, right? There was this series of rape. But now, the perpetrators are lesbians. Fuck.

Mherz: The rapists are lesbians.

Sheilfa: What's the implication of that on our work of organizing lesbians. Shiiit.

Mherz: The tomboys in Jolo are shitty fucks.

Sheilfa: That's why, maybe there is a need for us to create an alternative... lesbianhood, right?

Mherz: Some lesbians I know are even into selling girls.

Sheilfa: Is Rhidz among these?

Mherz: No.

Sheilfa: Are you among these?

Mherz: Eeeey! Sipais!

Sheilfa: What's sepais?

Mherz: Nothing. It's like Jesuschrist.

MM: Never.

Sheilfa: So you have never in your language. Is it true that during the series of rapes in 2009, some lesbians were at the service of these rapists, espying after the girls and feeding information to the rapists, like she goes to school at this hour and goes home at this hour. Is it true?

Mherz: Before? They just did not rape girls, they were also selling them into prostitution.

Sheilfa: They really did that?

Mherz: They did that all the time.

Sheilfa: They're the pimps here? In Davao the fags are the pimps.

Mherz: Before, everyone was a pimp. Fags, tomboys, anybody. Men, women.

Sheilfa: Everyone was a pimp?

Mherz: Yes. Sometimes even your own mother pimped for you.

Sheilfa: True.

Sheilfa: You know of many cases like that here?

......

Si HRD at ang ASG: excerpts from an interview with Cocoy Tulawie

This should be titled In defense of the Abbu Sayaf. Cuts from interviews conducted around this time last year. The phone containing the taped interviews was stolen before I could finish transcribing.

…..Lahat ng Christians kaaway, tapos yung kidnap for ransom to sustain organization allowable. So medyo malabo sa akin iyon. Year 2002 nagmiting noon. Ako, si Global, si Dr Abou Gumbahali, doon malapit sa Karawan, Indanan, iyan ang erya nila. Tapos, eventually, nakipag-usap ako sa mga naging kagroup ko, iyong naging Bawgbug, sila Al Fhadar Fajiji, tapos sila rin, hindi sila pumayag sa ganun. Yung si Majid Ibrahim, classmate ko yun siya since high school, patay na. Iyong isa pang member ng Abbu Sayaf, si Yusoph Tadday, na malamang nasa Muntinlupa na o sa Bagong Diwa, kaibigan ko rin yun. Noong nakulong siya sa Jolo pumunta sa akin ang Father niya, tapos binisita ko siya. Si Nadjmi, yun si Global.

Hindi ako naniniwala sa negotiations. Hindi rin iyan makakatulong sa Muslim community. Hindi rin mari-realize ng masses ang hinahangad nila, di ba. Hindi rin sila makaka-benefit diyan. Iyong mga commanders lang. Mga MILF leaders lang ang makikinabang diyan. Wala naman talaga kuwenta ang negotiations eh. Tulad noong nakipag-negotiate si Misuari, anong nangyari, inilagay sa power. Anong nangyari sa ibaba? Wala.

Kung i-attack nila iyon corruption, iyon pa, mas makikinabang pa ang mga tao, kasi hanggang barangay level iyan, e. Iyong peace negotiations, ang mga lider lang ang makikinabang niyan. Tulad ni Misuari, nakipag-negotiate siya, inilagay sa power. Sa ibaba walang nangyari.

Si Misuari noong ARMM Governor siya, dapat he had the power to discipline the Governor of Sulu at lahat, pero wala. Kasi iyang IRA, kung ikaw ay isang mayor, bago maaprubahan ang IRA mo sa itaas, kailangan maaprubahan muna sa provincial level. Magkakaroon ng deliberations diyan sa province. Pagkatapos niyan bago iyan maaprubahan i-deliberate muna iyan sa provincial level bago ipadala sa ARMM, saka doon sa national. Ibig sabihin, ang ARMM Governor may control siya over the mayor. Iyong ARMM Governor may power siya over sa apat na governors. Above all, ang national government, sila pa iyong may pinaka-responsibility diyan na i-discipline iyong mga governors. Kasi representatives nila ang mga iyan sa grassroots e. Ang problema sila-sila lang din, kasi iisang bahay lang sila. Pero madugong discussions iyan.

Yung mag-human rights campaign, bagong option kasi iyon eh. Kasi ang dating option bibitbit ka ng baril, maging armado ka. Ginawa na iyon e. Ginawa na ng MNLF, tapos ginawa ng Abbu Sayaf. Ginawa nila iyon kasi akala nila, mahinto iyong abuse. Pangalawa, gusto nilang makamit ang freedom nila. Di ba? Tapos tayo naman ang pinili nating option i-document lahat, tapos kailangan mag-cooperate ang pamilya nung mga namatayan, ng mga wounded, lahat-lahat. All cases of abuse pati na rape. At ginawa talaga iyan ng mga tao, nag-cooperate sila. Nagpupunta talaga ang mga tao, nagpapa-document talaga sila. Pumupunta sila. Umabot sa ganoong situation. Pero wala pang nag-document na iyong aggressive talaga para ma-address iyong human rights situation. Wala akong nakikita na ganoon e. Andami-daming human rights violations sa Sulu pero isang beses lang bumaba ang DOJ. Iyong Padiwan Massacre. Si Undersecretary Makabangkit Lanto pumunta doon. Pagkatapos ng Padiwan Massacre, the rest na nangyaring HRVs wala na, inignore nila. Iyon din ang isa sa mga challenges sa HR victims sa Jolo, kung pano i-handle para hindi mawala iyong hope ng mga tao. Kasi winawala talaga iyon e. Kaya dapat ipagpatuloy ang paniniwala sa HR.

Paano panatilihin ang hope for human rights? Kasi marami ang nagsasabi, halimbawa ang mga sundalo, sasabihin nila, Ilang taon na kayong nakikipaglaban sa human rights, nanalo ba kayo? So parang pinapatay nila iyong hope ng mga tao. So tayo naman paano natin panatilihing buhay iyong hope. Kasi kung ayaw ring makipag-cooperate iyong victims sa iyo, mahirap din iyon. Malaking bagay iyon e. Kasi sa Muslim kasi, kapag may nangyari sa iyo, sabihin, Tuhan allahu ta’Allah. Sa Muslim kasi kapag namatayan ka chadar, destiny na ganun na talaga ang mangyari, so bakit pa siya magku-complain. Isa sa mga pinakamalaking problema na na-confront iyan iyong bago pa lang kami nag-uumpisa. Ang ginagawa ko din sa organizing sinisigurado ko na meron talagang panahon na magselebreyt ng temporary victory. Iyon mag-ipon-ipon kayo lahat, kasi bago sa kanila iyon,e. Na-try ko talaga iyan.

Kahit anong sector hindi naman mahirap organisahin basta masipag ka lang. Iba-iba rin kasi ang interes ng mga tao. Ang rape kasi kahit saan puwede mo siyang dalhin. Iyong fishermen mahirap mong dalhin iyan sa isyu ng kababaihan. Pero may panahon na nagpa-participate din talaga sila. Iyong mga tricycle drivers, there was a time na hindi sila namasahe, nag-join sila ng rally, na-surprise talaga ako noon. Wala akong miting with the tricycle drivers prior to that rally kasi hindi ko noon inexpect na sasali sila dahil kailangan nilang kumita, e. Sa tricycle drivers kasi, ayaw ko silang i-organize para sa ibang isyu, pero kung kailangan nila kami, nandoon kami. Pero na-surprise ako noon dahil nandidiyan na silang lahat.

Rali yun para kay Misuari. Ang hirap ding kasi magparali ng Free Misuari e. Matakot ang lahat. Ang mga MNLF mismo pinagtatanggal ang mga piktyur ni Misuari sa mga restoran. Ako iyong pinaka-first na tao na nagdikit ng piktyur ni Misuari sa sasakyan. Natakot ang lahat ng tao.

Iyong rali laban sa ID system, maraming pressure. Sabi ng asawa ko, huwag mo na lang ituloy. Si Muayni nasa Lugus Island na noon. Hindi siya sumama sa rali. Pero sa rape issue sumama siya. Si Mufti sold out siya sa ideya kahit nasa Saudi siya at that time. Tapos noong nagrali na kami sa masjid, ayaw akong pasalitain nung imam ni Misuari. Sa kanya daw ang time na iyon. Sa kanya ang oras na iyon at walang ibang puwedeng humingi ng oras na iyon kundi si Misuari lang. Nag-eskpleyn ako sa kanila, iyon yung sinasabi ko na temporary victory. Kasi na-release nga iyong mga hinuli na walang ID. Para maramdaman nila iyong temporary victory.

Hindi naman sila magrarali kung wala ako e. Hindi nila kayang magrali sa Sulu nang sila-sila lang. At walang naganap na rali sa Sulu kung wala ako.

Iba naman yung time ni Cory. Para sa akin walang kuwenta yun. At saka at the time ang panghatak nila iyong puwede ka maging pulis, sundalo, posisyon sa gobyerno. Sa negotiation yun e. Ganun yun e. Hindi siya tungkol sa isyu.

Nagtakbir yung mga tao sa loob ng mosque e nung sinabi ko na bakit kung si Misuari ang huhulihin puwede kaming maggamit ng masjid, pero bakit kung tricycle drivers ang huhulihin hindi kami puwede dito sa masjid.

Jolo, Dumaguete a reprise

16 May 1997. Every night when I lie to sleep the fetid air assails me. I left the bowl of dust for the sea of garbage. Cellophane is going to gobble this whole town down.

Maimona says: I love like fire. My husband raped me when my parents were away. It’s because he loved me so much. Olive smiles: Im a ref. Cool. I throw away the bad things I keep the good.

Sheena: I am a rock. Hard. Hard. I have no friends except Farisha. She’s a tomboy. Together we scrounge the streets and fight men.

Mimi: I am a sunflower. Bright, bright, bright. I say Hi! to the sun. Say Goodnight to the night. And Bow. Bow.

Eleven years. My memory of Jolo was one of romance. I am devastated. In all those eleven years, the town has sunk down; only the garbage has piled up. I should write Jack. And tell Fatima: Here, the town you were so jealous of you don’t want us around. Can you embrace it? Embrace it.

18 may 1997. At the boat, aircon department. The lady tells me the bed belongs to her. She hunches and sprawls her legs her whole body saying this is mine mine mine keep off keep off. It isn’t greed. Just unhappiness. By and by an old man gently pushes me out of his cot. Sibug kaw, Indah. I expostulate, in choppy Tausug, telling him that I don’t like upper decks because I don’t like to sleep right in front of the TV the screen glaring at me it hurts my eyes. I feel stupid, irrational: like, in this shithole am I arguing for such a little thing? But how readily he agrees. The rest of the trip he sits there with his son glued to the TV, forgetting about me.

Humped over on my cot my hands in my belly a man asks: Maita kaw, Indah? My God, he knows I am Bisaya, but he only sees me as he sees: something in pain. They’re not at all like people I used to know in another country.

Morning at baliwasan grande: A clean well-lighted place. Is this relief I feel? I can’t wash Takut-Takut off me.

24 may 1997. Back in Takut-Takut and back to this pit. I happen to love the baby and didn’t feel for once like bashing its head against the wall. But I have this urge to push the door shut each time Mike threatens to show his face at the door to check on me saying Hi, trying, ever trying, to be nice. Mohay. That little woman with so much strength.

I feel sapped. All my energy drained out of me by all the noise all the clamoring needs the filth the despair around me. The stench of human habitation. I can’t stand it. The house Mohay is going to live in… incredible. Okay. Okay. So I am old. All my youth’s strength gone out of me gone into this sewers known as Takut-Takut.

25 may 1997. It’s no wonder the Tausug girls in Silliman are that deadly indifferent to talk of country. No language for struggle. Don’t care about Misuari and his bullshit. I can’t write. I can’t think. It’s not amoy basura, it stinks of godshit. Tinaehan ng gobyerno? Ng Diyos? And Saliya just said today she can’t bear the smell of fake leather it makes her sick she's going to faint. I can’t tell her I can’t bear the stench of everything else I could eat leather.

I need a cup of strong coffee. But there’s no coffee. No. There is, but no water to wash the spoon with. Okay there is water but there is no hot water. There is hot water, but it’s for the baby. Goodness. What am I to do? What am I doing here? Did I jump from the frying fan to the fire? Again?

Dear Zeny, You and Malik deserve a medal each for valor. You know what was my first thought after snugly settling in Takut-Takut? Arson. My second thought? Fatima. And that she should be here. My third thought? To flee! To hell with it all. Bahala kang Zenaydaha ka. Bahala kang Rolaysa ka. Bahala kang Mohaya ka. Mogradweyt ko, mogradweyt ko, uy. Lupad balik paDumaguete. Suffer Tim. Suffer Mr and Mrs Kelso. Suffer everything.

an interview with a street fighter

I’m proud of myself that I’m not a lesbian. For me I really am
just a man.


Sheilfa: So again, how do you look at yourself, masculine? Feminine? Because last time you said you’re feminine.

Mherz: Feminine.

Sheilfa: Because?

Mherz: Because…

Sheilfa: What’s feminine, by the way?

Mherz: I don’t know.

Sheilfa: See. When you say feminine, you wear your hair long, you put on lipstick, and you move like a girl. Those are feminine. When you say masculine, you move like a man. How do you think of yourself, feminine?

Mherz: I’m masculine alright.

Sheilfa: So how would you like to be so described, what are the terms or the words you would use or you would like others to use to describe you.

Mherz: None. I’m just like this. I’m happy like this.

Sheilfa: What do you mean by like this?

Mherz: This.

Sheilfa: Lesbian?

Mherz: Yes. Just a lesbian.

Sheilfa: What are the words you’re comfortable with? Are you comfortable with being called timbura?

Mherz: No.

Sheilfa: No. Okay. Lesbian?

Mherz: No.

Sheilfa: Tomboy?

Mherz: Of course, no.

Sheilfa: What then?

Mherz: If I am addressed? Just my name.

Sheilfa: Okay.

Mherz: Because I’m proud of myself that I’m not a lesbian. For me I really am
just a man.

Sheilfa: There you are. See? So for you, you’re a man?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: Ah. Because if you are called tomboy, or lesbian, it’s like you're neither nor?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: Okay.

Mherz: Like something that isn’t good.

Sheilfa: Like you’re not complete.

Mherz: Yes.Like you do bad things.

Sheilfa: That’s according to the old school. But… up to this time, it’s still like that?

Mherz: Yes. It’s still like that.

Sheilfa: Male? That’s how you would like to be seen?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: Alright. When did you realize that you were different?

Mherz: When I was 16.

Sheilfa: What happened.

Mherz: When my father beat me.

Sheilfa: Okay. So you too went through that.

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: He didn’t threaten to have you shot?

Mherz: No. He won’t do that. He just said you’re a good-for-nothing son of a bitch. My father is all threat. He never executes them.

Sheilfa: But that time he had you beaten.

Mherz: Yes. Came home drunk.

Sheilfa: You came home drunk?

Mherz: It wasn’t I who was drunk. He was.

Sheilfa: I see.

Mherz: And he turned on me because I was the first he ran into.

Sheilfa: When you ran into him you didn’t say anything that offended him?

Mherz: None. He just pounced on me. Haha. Without a word. Just like that. Like just out of the blue. I was shocked. He dragged me home. Then he punched me. That was nothing to me, I’m used to it.

Sheilfa: Ah. He ran into you at the footbridge and right on he pounced on you.

Mherz: Yes. I was on my way out. He is like that. If he is drunk, he does not want to see our faces.

Sheilfa: By the time he had already acquired a second wife.

Mherz: Yesm.

Sheilfa: How old were you when your father remarried?

Mherz: I cannot remember anymore because I was too young.

Sheilfa: He was already having this woman who…

Mherz: He already had another wife even before I was born.

Sheilfa: How many are you?

Mhera: Eight.

Sheilfa: From the first wife?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: And you’re the?

Mherz: I’m fourth.

Sheilfa: You realized that you were different because when he beat you, you felt that you could not give up being a man or…

Mherz: Yes. He kept on saying I should mend my ways. I said, it’s not that easy for me to change my style and stop being me.

Sheilfa: Which is?

Mherz: He said I will not come to any good if I keep on with what I was doing, if I insist that I’m a man. I said, but I’m not neglecting my studies because of my style. He kept on persuading me.

Sheilfa: At the time you were still studying? Where were you, in third second year?

Mherz: Yes. At the time I was still in school. Second year.

Sheilfa: How about your mother?

Mherz: My mother you could not hear any complaint from her. I’m okay by her. She said there’s nothing she can do, I am all that I am. She said she’s grateful enough that I'm still alive.

Sheilfa: Rather than dead?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: Because around this time, you already went through a lot of street fights?

Mherz: I think I started getting into fights when I was still in Grade Six.

Sheilfa: Twelve years old.

Sheilfa: All your friends were male.

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: By the time that you were fourteen, you were already causing your father a lot of trouble.

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: By that time you were already taking girls home?

Mherz: No. Not yet.

Sheilfa: You only saw then on the street?

Mherz: No. I still didn’t have any girlfriend when I was in elementary.

Sheilfa: No. I mean when you were fourteen.

Mherz: Ah, yes.

Sheilfa: That time that he punched you…

Mherz: Yes. I was already taking girls to our house. One time he even beat me because I brought home a girl.

Sheilfa: How many times did your father beat you?

Mherz: Three. Just three times.

Sheilfa: Why did he stop?

Mherz: Because there’s nothing he can… he could not just convince me.

Sheilfa: You never fought back?

Mherz: What?

Sheilfa: Never that you punched him back each time that he lifted an arm against
you?

Mherz: I don’t fight him back. Hah. He will shoot me.

Sheilfa: Haha. What’s your father like, a councilor?

Mherz: Yes. Number three.

Sheilfa: So since he’s a councilor, is there any hope for him to… because he understands that if one is a lesbian, there’s nothing that one can do about that, so instead of not helping, would he support us?

Mherz: No, it’s like this. Before, when I was still at school, he really was happy about me. He said he doesn’t care what I am up to for as long as I don’t start bumming around. Because he really wanted for me to be a policeman.

Sheilfa: Okay.

Mherz: I promised to him I will be one.

Sheilfa: How old were you when he said that to you? Before he punched you?

Mherz: When I was in Grade Six. When I graduated.

Sheilfa: Okay.

Mherz: When I graduated he really was very proud of me.

Sheilfa: You were in the honor’s list?

Mherz: Yes. Third honor. Then I fucked up. When I got to high school that’s when I started bumming around. I neglected my studies. I was really drawn to my friends’ rackets.

Sheilfa: Girls. Alcohol. Shabu.

Mherz: Yes. I wasn’t into shabu as yet. Not yet. I got into shabu only in 2007.

Sheilfa: How old were you then?

Mherz: Maybe seventeen.

Sheilfa: You got into the habit?

Mherz: No.

Sheilfa: You said once a month.

Mherz: Only if I needed to stay up and work. Like if someone died and had to be buried the next day. What’s magjaga in Tagalog, M?

Sheilfa: To watch, to vigil.

Mherz: Yes. Like that.

Sheilfa: So you have to stay awake.

Mherz: Yes. Because it’s a night-long activity. So that’s what we would do to stay awake.

Sheilfa: So you use it as stimulant, like coffee. But later, you use it if there’s an occasion, like a birthday.

Mherz: No. I don’t do that during birthdays because you have no appetite for food if you’ve taken that. And then… you keep on thinking away. So if there’s a birthday, I don’t do it. It’s mostly for work.

Sheilfa: You said that the last time you got mauled at the pool, you’d taken….

Mherz: No. I wasn’t on drugs then.

Sheilfa: You said you had taken some meth, The bar…

Mherz: None. Just The bar.

Sheilfa: It’s on record!

Mherz: No.

Sheilfa: Son of a fag.

Mherz: No.

Sheilfa: Yes. You said you all had taken some meth but that you were not high.

Mherz: No. It was only The bar. I didn’t take any shabu then.

Sheilfa: Anyway, so that’s how you look at yourself, but your father, and some of your friends, they like to look at you as a girl who is just tomboyish.

Mherz: No. They think of me as a boy, as a young man.

Sheilfa: Okay.

Sheilfa: Beside your father, who else among your friends would like for you to be other than what you are now?

Mherz: Many. Including some of my family.

Sheilfa: Right. Because if you’re a tomboy, you’re around lots of bad people?

Mherz: Yes. Because all of my relatives, they’re religious, they go to the mosque for worship. I’m the only who doesn’t.

Sheilfa: Do you think of yourself as Muslim?

Mherz: Of course, I’m Muslim. But I don’t pray everyday. Before I used to pray,
but only in the house. Even when we went to Zamboanga? I would join Inah Cely for worship.

Sheilfa: Where?

Mherz: In the house only. But it is so easy for me to think evil.

Sheilfa: Like what?

Mherz: If I don’t want to keep up with my study, for instance. Or if I want to take drugs I will really do it.

Sheilfa: Because you’re angry. You know that people won’t be happy if you do it. But before, you didn’t think of lesbians as bad people?

Mherz: They’re bad influence.

Sheilfa: You know of any lesbian who isn’t bad influence?

Mherz: I haven’t done any research yet in Jolo, none yet.

Sheilfa: How did you look at fags? Say you think of them as sinful, bad people?

Mherz: For me they’re just like the lesbians. Sinful, bad people.

Sheilfa: Even non-lesbians and non-gays they’re also sinful.

Mherz: Lesbians and women they’re sinful.

Sheilfa: Whooa.

Mherz: My elders would say that if their wishes will be granted, they would want
for all their children to be male. Because women are the progenitors of sin.

Sheilfa: Like… sexually promiscuous?

Mherz: No. Because in….

Sheilfa: In the Bible?

Mherz: Yes. There are no female children then, they would be killed, because women bring on shame to the family.

Sheilfa: You believe this stuff?

Mherz: Yes. Because I’ve seen some like that. Women. They bring trouble to their elders. Like rape. Or have sex with their boyfriends and get themselves pregnant. They would not tell their parents…

Sheilfa: You don’t think of that as… alright, go on, go on.

Mherz: Then you will just see them walking the road pregnant. Shameful, is it not?

Sheilfa: But you don’t think of men as equally sinful? Because women could not get into these things alone.

Mherz: Yes. But you see, with men….

Sheilfa: With men it’s okay.

Mherz: Yes. They can do anything, nothing is prohibited. You see, everything that lesbians do, men also do.

Sheilfa: Is that why you turned out a lesbian? Because nothing will be disallowed you? Because anything that men do is good.

Mherz: Yes. It’s okay.

Sheilfa: Then it’s not the women’s fault. It’s the fault of the laws and all these religious teachings.

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: But you see, religious texts are up to the interpretation of preachers and religious teachers. And they’re all male. Of course.

Mherz: In our religion, the religious teachers say lesbians are haram.

Sheilfa: Same with Catholics.

Mherz: Yes. It’s really not allowed. They say it’s the most abominable thing here on earth, tomboys. Siksah. That brings on eternal punishment. When they make these sermons at the gym, I do listen, and that’s what they say there.

Sheilfa: Even among Christian churches, it’s also like that.

Sheilfa: You said before that you got beaten so many times. But the one with details, that part that happened at the swimming pool.

Mherz: That wasn’t the last, when I got mauled at the swimming pool.

Sheilfa: After the swimming pool incident, you got beaten again? How many times?

Mherz: Four.

Sheilfa: Okay. Who did these? Didn’t you say the swimming pool incident was the
first time that you got hurt? Maybe they got wind of it and they said, so this dyke is not really that invincible, let’s do it again. So they got you three times.

Mherz: Yes. And they made a mistake.

Sheilfa: Because? You struck back?

Sheilfa: When was it, Mherz?

Mherz: When we went home from Zamboanga.

Sheilfa: Really? What happened?

Mherz: At the port area. I got into a fight.

Sheilfa: How?

Mherz: He was a porter and he was insisting on lifting my bag for me when I wasn't asking him. Then he said, you should be a girl, then maybe I will like you. I said, You son of a bitch. Then he went like this, Why, you want to fight? I said, Why, you think I won’t? Then the guard came at us.

Sheilfa: Oh, a pity.

Mherz: Why?

Sheilfa: No action.

MM: You want action?

Sheilfa: Yes. I want action.

MM: Knock him in the head. (Laughter.)

Sheilfa: Okay. That’s once. The second?

Mherz: In our place. Friend of my sister.

Sheilfa: Nadsilina?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: How old is she?

Mherz: I don’t know.

Sheilfa: Maybe you also don’t know how old are you?

Mherz: I really don’t listen to their stuff. I don’t care about them.

Sheilfa: Alright.

Mherz: You see I’m selfish.

Sheilfa: What?

Mherz: Selfish.

Sheilfa: Yes. A selfish cad.

Mherz: Yes. At home. But with my friends I’m not selfish.

Sheilfa: I feel sorry for your mother. And your sisters. But never mind. Okay. The second time you got beaten.

Mherz: He was courting my sister. My sister doesn’t like him. She’s young. She said to me he is forcing himself on her. She wasn’t even finished talking yet and I was already in their house. When he got out, I said, Hey, you come here. Then I punched him. We were taken to the barangay.

Sheilfa: Where did you hit him?

Mherz: Here.

Sheilfa: He got a blackeye.

Mherz: Yes. The barangay councilor there said, shame on you, you’re a man and you got beaten, he said, only by a girl?

Sheilfa: Hahaha. You had a fistfight? He really fought you?

Mherz: Yes. We exchanged punches. The councilor there said, she really is a troublemaker, for a girl. I didn’t make any comment.

Sheilfa: They didn’t have you blottered?

Mherz: No. Why would they have me blottered? My relatives will kill them.

Sheilfa: Alright.

Mherz: My relatives are really vicious. That’s why I’m like this. An arrogant bastard.

Sheilfa: That’s why your head swelled.

Mherz: They always take my side. Even if it’s my fault. Mother would tell them, you leave her alone and let her be killed by strangers.

Sheilfa: But in the Tausug tradition, isn’t it a source of pride for you, to have a member of the clan who is brave?

Mherz: Not really. But my father, he really wants for his family to protect me. If my father finds out that I got into a fight and none of my relatives helped me, he will get mad. That’s why his brothers are also afraid to leave me alone to my foes.

Sheilfa: The third?

Nadz: At Takut-takut. The young boy taunted him, said, Hot air! He went back, What did you say? Hot air?

Sheilfa: That’s not a fight. Just a threat of violence.

Mherz: They were playing this leg game. Then I gave back to Nhadz her cell phone. That was when we talked on the phone, when you called? I said, Kah Sherfa called. Then this kid said, Pulma! I went back to him. I said who are you calling Pulma? He said, no, not you. I didn’t punch him. I just pushed him. Just like this. He is big. Bigger than I. I asked the others, how about you, you want to fight? They all turned away because they didn't like trouble, haha.

Sheilfa: How many were they?

Mherz: Many.

Sheilfa: How old?

Nadz: Kids.

Mherz: They're all bigger than me.

Sheilfa: How about your girlfriends and those who are close to you, do they also get harassed or got threats because of their relationship with you?

Mherz: None.

Sheilfa: The girl’s parents… didn’t he beat you because she didn’t go home for like three nights?

Mherz: It was just one night.

Sheilfa: I should be redoing the interviews all the time. The data keep on changing.

Mherz: I don’t know. Because when you last interviewed me, I had a headache.

Sheilfa: So there was no threat to harm you? Didn’t your father threaten to disinherit you for being a tomboy or threaten to send you out into the streets?

Mherz: No. In the first place I have nothing to inherit from him.

Sheilfa: Correct.

Mherz: His being a womanizer is all I can inherit from him. That should be fine by me.

Sheilfa: Yes. Your father is a womanizer, no. How many wives has he got?

Mherz: Many. And he’s got children with a Brigade woman. A whore.

Sheilfa: A Christian woman? So he has a whore? What does it mean when one says a woman from the Brigade, a woman who makes a living servicing the soldiers at the Brigade?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: Her customers are soldiers?

Mherz: Yes. He was her customer and they begot children. Three. They have been together for many long years. Now he could not leave her.

Sheilfa: A Zamboanguena?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: So this woman got three children by three different men?

Mherz: No. Only by my father.

Sheilfa: With your father she got three children?

Mherz: Yes. We got to find out only much later when… he took her home. He had to stand by what he did, he said, because they got children, he said.

Sheilfa: That’s the second wife?

Mherz: No. Third.

Sheilfa: Thought your father has only two wives.

Mherz: No. Many. But he didn’t wed the others. He introduced this woman to us and told us he had to support her because of the children, said he is afraid of karma.

Sheilfa: That term karma, what’s that in your language?

Mherz: Suli.

Sheilfa: Were you always that temperamental?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: And did anyone ever tell you to… say, none ever threatened to have you killed or something?

Mherz: None. But my father’s sister said she will have me brought to a mental hospital.

Sheilfa: Hahaha. How old were you then?

Mherz: Already this old. In 2009. They live in Manila, they’re at San Mateo. Then they came here and when they saw me, why did you turn out into a tomboy? Because when they first came here, I wasn’t a certified tomboy yet, not formally tomboy, I was still hiding it.

Sheilfa: How many years were those when you were not yet a formal tomboy? Thought you said you were born a tomboy.

Mherz: I was in Grade Two. I was born a tomboy but for a little while I hid it. Because my aunties were really strict. She was the one who was sending me to school.

Sheilfa: That’s the aunt that adopted you?

Mherz: Yes.

Sheilfa: The one who was also a tomboy.

Mherz: No.

Sheilfa: You said you’ve an aunt that adopted you, who was living with another
woman.

Mherz: That’s on my mother’s side. This one is on my father’s side. They’re really strict.

Sheilfa: Because of your being a tomboy, are there relatives who, instead of staying close to you, they stay away?

Mherz: Yes. Because they don’t like lesbians.

Sheilfa: How about your male friends? Has there been a change?

Mherz: None really. They just tell me sometimes to change my style. They say, Mherz, that’s old crap, get on with the years.

Sheilfa: Which means?

Mherz: Like get on with what’s current, say in 2009 or 2010. Because by now I should really be a real man if only I have money.

Sheilfa: Any attempted suicide?

Mherz: None.

Sheilfa: You never thought of killing yourself? But often you want to kill people?

Mherz: Yes. That’s it.

Sheilfa: Haha.

Mherz: I want to be alone and be the only person left on earth.

Sheilfa: Hahaha!

Mherz: I’m afraid to die.

Sheilfa: True?

Mherz: True. The reason why I’m into fistfights all the time is because I don’t want them to kill me first. If I get into a fight, I want to kill my enemy first, I don’t want to be killed by them. I am afraid to die.


(the original Tagalog transcript of the interview is posted at: http://tumbalatadavao.blogspot.com/2011/11/si-mherz-at-ang-usaping-sogi.html)

Gimme your poor your tired huddled masses

irony: the enemy of overstatement
and illusion; ergo, the servant of realism.


At the height of the outpouring of grief for the Sendong victims, a campaigner asked me: Wala kang naramdaman?

I posted something that said Served you right, siksah, which is Tausug for God’s penalty coming down on you.

Could not tell her, Yeow! Wala! What would you want me to do, send Louie a card?

Para din kasi akong si Daffy, yung tipong tatawa sa trahedya ng iba, like yung pagkahatid mo halimbawa ng millennium manuscript mo, sakay ka ng elevator at na-heart attack ka at namatay nang ni hindi mo man lang nakita libro mo na napublish? Naku, I'm no sucker for success stories, tatawa talaga ako.

Seriously, Does it help people if you feel sorry for them? What good would it do if you went around collecting used clothes used shoes used houses used cars used malls

Comic detachment from the suffering of the slain is how I callit, or where will I source the moral courage to slay the father.

Kaya yata ako hindi kongresista, dahil hindi mo talaga ako maasahan sa calamidad galore. Fuck the poor. Fuck the rich even more, but you don’t think and write and speak for or about the rich, do you. There’s nothing to write about them that they themselves do not know already.

So you write, like Lou Reed:

Give me your poor, your tired huddled masses. Let’s club them to death dump them in the dirty boulevard.